life as it is. i kind of emo again. zhihong asked me what were my overall results and i refused to tell him. he say there's no need to be scared. the truth is, i'm refusing to tell him not because i'm scared. its just that... i'm disappointed in myself. and in a way i think others will be disappointed too. with all the people around me complaining about their results. i kind of feel super zibei. maybe its because my results are way worse than theirs. on another hand, i just know that i have no rights to complain. after all i brought all of this on myself. procrastinating, conceit and my crappy attitude towards work. i know i have been working hard after blocks but its true that its not my best. i could have tried much harder. i suppose i expect too much out of myself. but what am i suppose to do. i cant really mean " i dont care..." and give up. i have to do something to salvage it. but obviously my mind is way too weak. so much for salvage. i'm disappointed.. cause i was up there looking down.. and i realise that reality is no where near where i want to be. so i fall right down again. this is like lower sec history repeating itself. i hope it ends the same way as it had. somewhere deep down i know i can do it. but its dimming away, i'm groping around in the darkness trying to find that flicker of light. in fear that it might just dwindle out before i can reach it. and i'm left to shrivel away and die. haix...emo days. esp with miss claire breathing down my neck on pw deadlines and results.....haix. haix. haix. its like this rage with everything that's happening around me. whatever....i read back at this entry and i have no idea what i'm ranting abt. but whatever.. i spent time typing this para of crap and even though its crappy i'm not getting rid of it. haha. so, bore people. you realised you should have just stop reading from the 2nd line on. toodles.