what can i say.

what more can i say or do,

that would even make a difference.

as much as i expected,

my parents are hesitating refusing to send me to uk again.

no matter how much i want to go.

i cant do it.

not in this state.

not when i'm angsty, sorrowful, guilty and pissed off.

i cant talk to my parents properly,

i cant convince them anymore.

but i really, truly want to study there.

like i said:

its stupid if i dont.

i dont think the results is a mistake.

its something that happened,

and its my own fault.

but if i dont go for the course,

i'll really regret for life.

and they dont seem to understand that.

its not even that i cant make it for the course.

its that they dont want me to go.

and why? i really dont know.

even in the midst of saying i want to make it there.

i worry.

because of my results, i worry.

if i'll even survive there with the rigorous course.

i know i can do it if i try.

but i'm just not sure if i can do it alone.

when i have no one to turn to there,

no one that i can rely on for comfort.

when everyone that i dear is 12 hours away from me.

i'm just not confident that i'll have the motivation to go on.

what more, my mom, has been putting me down like crazy.

suddenly, its like she thinks she feels worse than i do.

she has no idea.

its my life to begin with.

thanks to everyone who has genuinely showered me with your love and concern today.

and sorry to people whom i scared, esp bin and miss claire.

i know you havnt really seen me like that before,

i hope you'll never see me like that again too.

i love my friends, they make me forget about anything that's difficult,

make me think irrationally really.

but when i go home,

when i'm here typing away.

i just cant help but think about what i'm really going to do.

and i just cant help but cry my eyes out again.

it hurts so much to know that you fell below what everyone thought of you, and what you thought of yourself.

i feel so helpless.

i'm not sad about my results,

i'm just sad that its not good enough to prove to my parents that i can go to uk,

and i can make it there alone.

i cant even make them feel proud of me.

its like nothing i do anything right anymore.

and i know that's not true.

but..... it just feels like it.

everything is just bleak now.

i cant think of anything that's remotely happy.

added:

i talked to marcus for damn long in the midst of typing this post, and he talk so much crap that, i just gave in on my results. it'd probably start again later when i sleep but what can i really do. sigh, i just feel that i really dont belong in 4a that's all. i'll probably cry again if anyone talks to me again. haha. i'm really hopeless. i'll stop all these wallowing tomorrow and prove to my parents that i can brace myself up no matter what. that i'm strong enough to face anything myself. its the least i can do anyways. thanks marcus, i got that moral from our talk. haha. really, thank you. even though i know you all did ultra well, (which i am super proud of you guys), it dint make me feel shitty. but i guess its just a slightly happier transient phase.

wow, i'm amazed at how i can type so much crap

while i'm feeling the crappiest i've ever felt in my life.

i surprise myself sometimes.

how insanely stupid and pathetic i can be,

and how the next minute i learn and grow into someone stronger and wiser.

i guess its what the results are for.

its cheesy,

but maybe it was an intended test,

to show my determination,

to show that i can,

and will make it out of this mess,

a better newer and stronger phyllis.

behold and

love to all my loves.